CM 157: Kate Murphy On How To Listen

Listening improves our relationships, health, and workplaces. So how can we get better at it?

Think about the last time someone listened to you, a time when you felt heard. Those moments matter more than we realize. In fact, research shows that, over time, not feeling heard has a negative impact on our physical and mental well-being.

Curious how many people have someone in their lives who listens to them, Kate Murphy, author of the book, You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters, decided to ask. What she found surprised her: “Well, I asked hundreds of people on five continents…who listens to you?…and there was almost always, without exception, a pause, a hesitation. They had to really think about it. And many times, they didn’t have anyone.”

In this interview, Kate shares why most of us are poor listeners and the negative impact this can have on our relationships, our careers, and our health. One simple tip she provides is to rethink our questions. She explains, “What do you do for a living?…What part of town do you live in? What school did you go to?…[T]hose…questions…aren’t really designed to help you get to know the other person. You’re trying to rank them in the social hierarchy.” As a result, she contends, “the other person, they shift into the mode of their script and their resume…and…that is a soul-sucking conversation.”

Kate Murphy is a Texas-based journalist who has written for publications like, The New York Times, The Economist, Texas Monthly, and many more.

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